I'm well-aware of that. The brand new carpet in my living room is a great reminder.
But here's the deal Kasumi, we're either having this conversation in person or we're not having it at all. I'm going to hang up, and I'm not answering my phone again until I see you. Understand?
[ He doesn't really wait for a reply, and instead hangs up, just like he said he would. ]
[ Kasumi opens her mouth, ready to interject after the carpet quip, but then he's going on, and she doesn't get to say a word before he hangs up on her.
She sighs then, tossing her communicator aside. Apparently, she had been at her apartment for once, and for a few minutes she paces back and forth, wondering what to do. Part of her wants to go, so badly, wants to sneak into the house through the back like she always did, wants to see Charlie's faces, Ken's and Bull's faces--she wants so badly to talk with them and laugh with them and just spend time with them, but--
It's dangerous. Someone like herself can't afford times like that, can't afford friends like that. Not if she doesn't want to go through the pain of losing them later on, because she's felt that pain, still knows it all too intimately, and--no. She should stay. She should...
She should see him. Just for this one last time, and then...
Kasumi takes a deep breath, scrubbing at her face with her hands before she puts on a jacket, pulling the hood up. It's well into the night, now, and Kasumi need only walk into the shadows before she finds herself at the Nonah's back door.
[ Charlie is at the kitchen table, staring blankly at his notes on Charter Magic. He had sat down with the intent of studying, but he just can't focus. He's angry and he's hurt and he's worried that he might never see Kasumi at all.
He'd hate himself forever if that was the last conversation they ever have.
But then there's a knock at the back door, and he feels relieved and anxious, and, yes, still angry all at once. He has to take a moment to school his expression into something neutral before he goes to answer it. ]
[ she nods and does as she's told, although she takes no more than a step in, sort of lingering by the door, like she's not letting herself go any further. She also doesn't say anything; she's not sure what she can say. ]
[ it doesn't take kasumi much to figure that Charlie has got some Words to say from the tone of his voice, the way he's carrying himself. She'd be very bad at her job that she evidently takes way too seriously if she couldn't pick up on cues like that. ]
Why don't you go first? This was your idea in the first place.
[ That's when her gaze wanders, coincidentally to the spot on the living room floor where Peter had teleported them in their sorry state a month ago. ]
[ oh, is it really, Kasumi? Truth be told, if she was doing her best at laying low, she wouldn't have gone. But she wanted to steal something from the Smithsonian, and it doesn't change the fact that maybe (definitely) her "laying low" was done pointedly at the Nonah fellas. At first, at least. ]
Is this how it's gonna be? Every time something goes the slightest bit wrong, every time someone gets hurt, you're just going to cut all contact and go hide in your hole? That's not how you protect people, Kasumi.
[ Right now may not be the best time to be a smartass, but it's her gut reaction to be because well--he's not wrong. But disappearing acts are Kasumi's staple. That's what she did when Keiji was killed, what she did when the Normandy was impounded. ]
But things didn't just go the slightest bit wrong, Charlie. People were arrested. God, someone lost her leg. We could've been compromised entirely.
And yet I could still get a hold of Hawke. Steve and I had a conversation. I've seen Jacob, of all people, around the network a couple of times.
Just who do you think you're trying to protect here? Your friends, or yourself? You're so scared of loss that you can't see that ignoring us will make you lose us just as quickly.
[ He takes a step closer, closing the distance between them, and plants his hands on her shoulders ] Don't you dare think like that, even for a second.
You're my best friend. I love you and I care about you, and I know that my life in this place would not be half as good as it is without you in it. And it's because you're my best friend that I'm telling you that the disappearing thing has got to stop.
Kasumi has lived for a long while only having to think about things affect her that doing otherwise--even while she was on the Normandy crew--was a bit of a struggle. And while she's not entirely oblivious to the fact that what she does hurts her relationships, it's hearing it come straight from Charlie that really gets her to stop and think.
In the end, it's all she can really do to apologize, hanging her head low still. ]
... I'm sorry, Charlie. I really care about you too, but I...
Believe me, Kasumi, I understand. You’re not the only person who’s ever lost someone.
The first boy I ever loved got caught in bed with another boy by his parents, and he vanished. The community went wild with gossip, and the one phrase I heard more than anything was “he’s been dealt with”. It’s been nearly sixty years and I still have no idea what happened to him. I was devastated. It felt like there was a piece of me missing, and no matter what I did I would never be whole again. Just thinking about him hurt, like a physical ache.
Two decades after he was gone, I finally ran away from home. I appealed to the shifter population in Denver for help getting a place to live and a job- that’s kind of their specialty, and I didn’t have enough money to do anything on my own. They set me up in an apartment, with an agreement that once I got on my feet I would repay them for the first few months of rent, and arranged a job in a little used bookstore within walking distance.
The guy who owned the place was ancient and white-haired and he could be a real bear sometimes- and I do mean that literally, considering he was a shifter as well. But he cared about the people that walked in the store. Apparently he was the only one willing to take me on.
I didn’t show up to work for weeks, and I think he was willing to give me some space, knowing what I had been through to get there. I spent my days holed up in my apartment in the dark, avoiding the world. They couldn’t hurt me if I avoided them. The people I loved would stop disappearing or deciding I wasn’t good enough if I never bothered to get to know anyone. I hated life. I hated the world. I thought I was better off alone.
And then one day my boss charmed the landlady into letting him into my apartment- it was the seventies, that probably wouldn’t have worked these days. I was furious with him. Just what did he think he was doing, invading my privacy like that? Couldn’t he tell I should wanted to be alone?
Then he grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “Charles, you can’t hide from life every time it hurts you. If you let yourself sit here and suffer in the dark, the people you’ve lost suffer with you. There’s so much joy to be found out there. Let your friendships shield you when the world bares its fangs, and you’ll find that you don’t suffer half as much when you’re hand in hand with the people you love.”
In the face of that incredible kindness, all I could say was that I didn’t have any friends. And you know what he said?
[ He tucks a hand under Kasumi’s chin, lifting her gaze up to meet his. ]
[ Kasumi stays silent through his words, listening, watching him speak with such a strength that she finds she really, really admires. Because the story he tells isn't in the least bit a happy one; Kasumi still trembles at the thought of talking about Keiji to anyone. She bites down on her lip as he goes on, her brow creasing in sympathy, and by the end of it tears are welling up in her eyes.
Because Charlie has been through so much--he's been alive three times as long as she has been, even--and she's been so caught up in her own affairs, in her own memories of times that she'll never be able to return to that she couldn't see what she'd put him through, that she'd made herself a ghost to him when she hadn't meant to become anyone's ghost.
A ghost is what Keiji is to her, by now; no matter how much she wishes for it to be otherwise, memories of him only remind her more and more that he's gone. That there won't be any more memories going into his graybox, no more opportunities for that.
And it isn't right for her to rob Charlie and the others, to rob herself that opportunity when she's alive. ]
Charlie--
[ And that's all she manages to get out before her voice is choked out by a sob, and she raises a hand to cover her mouth as another one escapes. And then another. And probably, another, until she finally manages to breathe out a thank you in between. ]
[ He wraps his arms around her shoulders and draws her close. This isn’t the first time she cried all over him, and as much as he wishes, it’s unlikely this will be the last. He’ll hold her for as long as she needs. ]
[ it's all at once liberating yet perplexing how easily Kasumi can bare her emotions when it's Charlie. She couldn't even bring herself to really cry in front of Shepard the first time she went into Keiji's graybox.
Luckily it's only a few short moments of quietly crying against Charlie's shoulder before she manages to calm herself down, at which point, she tries her very hardest to be chipper playful Kasumi. ]
--Just, don't tell anyone how much I've cried in front of you, okay?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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But here's the deal Kasumi, we're either having this conversation in person or we're not having it at all. I'm going to hang up, and I'm not answering my phone again until I see you. Understand?
[ He doesn't really wait for a reply, and instead hangs up, just like he said he would. ]
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She sighs then, tossing her communicator aside. Apparently, she had been at her apartment for once, and for a few minutes she paces back and forth, wondering what to do. Part of her wants to go, so badly, wants to sneak into the house through the back like she always did, wants to see Charlie's faces, Ken's and Bull's faces--she wants so badly to talk with them and laugh with them and just spend time with them, but--
It's dangerous. Someone like herself can't afford times like that, can't afford friends like that. Not if she doesn't want to go through the pain of losing them later on, because she's felt that pain, still knows it all too intimately, and--no. She should stay. She should...
She should see him. Just for this one last time, and then...
Kasumi takes a deep breath, scrubbing at her face with her hands before she puts on a jacket, pulling the hood up. It's well into the night, now, and Kasumi need only walk into the shadows before she finds herself at the Nonah's back door.
Just like old times. ]
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He'd hate himself forever if that was the last conversation they ever have.
But then there's a knock at the back door, and he feels relieved and anxious, and, yes, still angry all at once. He has to take a moment to school his expression into something neutral before he goes to answer it. ]
Fancy meeting you here.
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... Hey.
[ Yup. That's it. ]
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[ He steps aside to admit her ] Come on in.
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So, are you gonna lecture me first or do I get to lecture you first?
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Why don't you go first? This was your idea in the first place.
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I... You know why, Charlie. I had to lay low.
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[ oh, is it really, Kasumi? Truth be told, if she was doing her best at laying low, she wouldn't have gone. But she wanted to steal something from the Smithsonian, and it doesn't change the fact that maybe (definitely) her "laying low" was done pointedly at the Nonah fellas. At first, at least. ]
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Is this how it's gonna be? Every time something goes the slightest bit wrong, every time someone gets hurt, you're just going to cut all contact and go hide in your hole? That's not how you protect people, Kasumi.
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[ Right now may not be the best time to be a smartass, but it's her gut reaction to be because well--he's not wrong. But disappearing acts are Kasumi's staple. That's what she did when Keiji was killed, what she did when the Normandy was impounded. ]
But things didn't just go the slightest bit wrong, Charlie. People were arrested. God, someone lost her leg. We could've been compromised entirely.
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Just who do you think you're trying to protect here? Your friends, or yourself? You're so scared of loss that you can't see that ignoring us will make you lose us just as quickly.
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Then maybe you're better off without me.
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[ He takes a step closer, closing the distance between them, and plants his hands on her shoulders ] Don't you dare think like that, even for a second.
You're my best friend. I love you and I care about you, and I know that my life in this place would not be half as good as it is without you in it. And it's because you're my best friend that I'm telling you that the disappearing thing has got to stop.
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[ But what? "Then maybe you're better off without me" clearly isn't it. She knows Charlie and everyone else can handle themselves. ]
But I don't want to you or Peter or Ken or Bull or anyone to get hurt because of me, Charlie. I can't--do that--go through that again.
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Kasumi has lived for a long while only having to think about things affect her that doing otherwise--even while she was on the Normandy crew--was a bit of a struggle. And while she's not entirely oblivious to the fact that what she does hurts her relationships, it's hearing it come straight from Charlie that really gets her to stop and think.
In the end, it's all she can really do to apologize, hanging her head low still. ]
... I'm sorry, Charlie. I really care about you too, but I...
[ I don't know what I should do. ]
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The first boy I ever loved got caught in bed with another boy by his parents, and he vanished. The community went wild with gossip, and the one phrase I heard more than anything was “he’s been dealt with”. It’s been nearly sixty years and I still have no idea what happened to him. I was devastated. It felt like there was a piece of me missing, and no matter what I did I would never be whole again. Just thinking about him hurt, like a physical ache.
Two decades after he was gone, I finally ran away from home. I appealed to the shifter population in Denver for help getting a place to live and a job- that’s kind of their specialty, and I didn’t have enough money to do anything on my own. They set me up in an apartment, with an agreement that once I got on my feet I would repay them for the first few months of rent, and arranged a job in a little used bookstore within walking distance.
The guy who owned the place was ancient and white-haired and he could be a real bear sometimes- and I do mean that literally, considering he was a shifter as well. But he cared about the people that walked in the store. Apparently he was the only one willing to take me on.
I didn’t show up to work for weeks, and I think he was willing to give me some space, knowing what I had been through to get there. I spent my days holed up in my apartment in the dark, avoiding the world. They couldn’t hurt me if I avoided them. The people I loved would stop disappearing or deciding I wasn’t good enough if I never bothered to get to know anyone. I hated life. I hated the world. I thought I was better off alone.
And then one day my boss charmed the landlady into letting him into my apartment- it was the seventies, that probably wouldn’t have worked these days. I was furious with him. Just what did he think he was doing, invading my privacy like that? Couldn’t he tell I should wanted to be alone?
Then he grabbed me by the shoulders, looked me in the eye, and said, “Charles, you can’t hide from life every time it hurts you. If you let yourself sit here and suffer in the dark, the people you’ve lost suffer with you. There’s so much joy to be found out there. Let your friendships shield you when the world bares its fangs, and you’ll find that you don’t suffer half as much when you’re hand in hand with the people you love.”
In the face of that incredible kindness, all I could say was that I didn’t have any friends. And you know what he said?
[ He tucks a hand under Kasumi’s chin, lifting her gaze up to meet his. ]
He said, “Well, you’ve got me.”
gdi charlie stop making her cry
Because Charlie has been through so much--he's been alive three times as long as she has been, even--and she's been so caught up in her own affairs, in her own memories of times that she'll never be able to return to that she couldn't see what she'd put him through, that she'd made herself a ghost to him when she hadn't meant to become anyone's ghost.
A ghost is what Keiji is to her, by now; no matter how much she wishes for it to be otherwise, memories of him only remind her more and more that he's gone. That there won't be any more memories going into his graybox, no more opportunities for that.
And it isn't right for her to rob Charlie and the others, to rob herself that opportunity when she's alive. ]
Charlie--
[ And that's all she manages to get out before her voice is choked out by a sob, and she raises a hand to cover her mouth as another one escapes. And then another. And probably, another, until she finally manages to breathe out a thank you in between. ]
oops sorry
[ He wraps his arms around her shoulders and draws her close. This isn’t the first time she cried all over him, and as much as he wishes, it’s unlikely this will be the last. He’ll hold her for as long as she needs. ]
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Luckily it's only a few short moments of quietly crying against Charlie's shoulder before she manages to calm herself down, at which point, she tries her very hardest to be chipper playful Kasumi. ]
--Just, don't tell anyone how much I've cried in front of you, okay?
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What are you talking about? I've never seen you cry.
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cackles
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accidentally in love by counting crows.mp3
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